I told you all that I would be honest here. Because, while social media obviously has the ability to create facade and disconnection, I think it also creates a powerful platform for us to share our stories, especially for those of us coming out of pasts that are hard to speak about in person. So I told you that I would be honest, sharing both the light and the shadow; and I was, and then I wasn’t. Because in the midst of my search for solace in (and simultaneous denial of) my depression these last few months, posting only the highlights of my life was all I could do to remind myself of the good that I have in those moments.
But here is a truth, one that I am speaking out loud so that it doesn’t hold so much power to fester inside of me: the worst thing about my depression is that it is episodic, and that there are stretches of time where I function just fine, and I always ALWAYS seem to convince myself that I have finally found something that works, some system or technique that squelches the erratic fear demon that has latched into my soul. Meaning that it is only that much more devastating when I slip into another episode (or the blame story I tell myself, that “I let myself slip into”).
And while I’m still in the center of this ever-shifting emotionally volatile void, over the last few days I have been shown an immense amount of support and compassion, without having to explain myself or give reason. And because of this I know that we humans are hardwired for connection, that we need it, and that we all have stories to tell. And sometimes we tell the truth, and other times we leave things out because that’s what we have to do to get through the day. But in my experience, every time I share, I am reminded that I am not alone. That we all experience suffering deeply, and often. And nothing grows more love in my heart than knowing that we are all in this mess together, sifting and searching for those moments of light.